The one thing I want more of is time. Recently, I’ve noticed that I have all of this ambition. I want to do so many different things for myself and for my husband, but I’ve been feeling so down like I don’t know how to explain it or put it into words. Still, it feels like a weight on my shoulders that whenever I get the fire to start my day, exercise, or even sit down to write, I let that weight hold me back, and I don’t complete the things I want to do.
I often feel like I don’t have enough time to do the things I want to do, but I know that’s not true. I actually have plenty of time; I just let my feelings and thoughts get in the way. I tend to let myself become stagnant. The only things I manage to do are the tasks I know I have to complete. My daily routine consists of cooking, cleaning, eating, resting, sleeping, and then repeating the cycle. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made that brought me to this point because if I weren’t here, I know I would just be telling my now-husband how much I want to be with him.
I believe my feelings have been surfacing because I’ve been seeing everyone I used to go to school with doing so well and achieving the things I thought I would have accomplished by now. It feels like everyone around me is moving ahead, and I struggle to shake this feeling of inadequacy. All I want is to succeed and not feel like I’m failing myself or the people in my life. Lately, I’ve especially felt like I’ve been letting God down.
My husband and I, for those who don’t know, travel frequently because he works on the pipeline. This brought us to Beaumont, TX. The area was beautiful, and I loved living there. We found a wonderful church, which turned out to be one of the best decisions we could have made. I became heavily involved in the ministry, taking on roles as a worship leader and children’s teacher, and I truly enjoyed it. However, we had to make the difficult decision to move after my husband was laid off twice, and we were struggling to make ends meet. I was very reluctant to leave because I worried about my relationship with God. I feared that I wouldn’t stay passionate in my faith and that I wouldn’t be as obedient to His word.
I fear that this is exactly what has happened to me. I know I could easily reach out to my pastor for guidance and encouragement, but I feel ashamed that I have strayed from my path. I realize I shouldn’t feel this way; being a follower and believer in Christ doesn’t mean all my troubles disappear. It’s not easy to try to be Christ-like. I just wish I could have a constant angel on my shoulder to guide me through it all. I just wish I had more time.
The Sunflower Shelf🌻 